Yesterday didn’t afford me time to write a blog entry, so I need to do something to make up for lost time. Perhaps I should check another publication for headlines…
But first, let’s see what WIVB has in store for me. First, of course, winter weather advisory. I think of this as a guy with a megaphone running up to you as you’re dealing with a scary situation and shouting in your ear, “You better be scared of that shit!”
Second, a guide to how to watch the Super Bowl like a pro. I didn’t know this was a paying occupation.
Third, a guy scaled the 180 foot gorge within arm’s reach of the Niagara Falls water. Park employees claimed it was law enforcement training. Honestly, it’s for a Red Bull advertisement.
Here’s the story: It’s considered unpatriotic to not watch the Really Big Deal, the pinnacle event in the sport known as Air Bang, a combination of table hockey and dueling. No one knows how the game’s really played, but there are days worth of build-up to the big event, and HPD&MC releases its biggest advertisements during the game. The Troubleshooters, called on a mission during the big game, are expected to give as much attention to the broadcast on their Cerebral CoreTech as the mission. Loyalty officer’s allowed to randomly quiz the team about the commercials and game as he sees fit, to ensure the team members are complying with the Computer’s will.
The mission: Internal Security found a hole in the middle of a corridor that leads “way down.” Damage to Alpha Complex is of course the work of terrorists. The Troubleshooters must climb down the steep, slimy shaft and discover what made the hole. They find Disco Complex, a version of Alpha Complex started in the 1970s, so everyone talks, looks and acts like they’re in the 1970s. They were members of Coca-Cola’s R&D and decided to escape the threat of a world gone mad, and burrowed down deep beneath the Earth, where they immediately started their own Coca-Cola factory and bottling plant. The Coke makes everyone happy, and all worship the Coke. It’s interesting to note that when these people went missing, a new staff had to be hired. These new people produced Coke 2.
The Coke’s very acidic. The Disco Complex people are used to it, but anything else that comes in contact with it will suffer the effects of drinking or wearing hydrochloric acid.
To make the mission even more fun, R&D assigns the Troubleshooters with a prototype sensor called I-Sad. It weeps openly and loudly about anything and everything it detects. “Boo hoo! This is so dangerous! I’m going to need an update. Would you like to download one? Do you accept the user agreement? Why don’t you like me? Boo hoo!”
For the makeup session, let’s see what’s happening at the National Enquirer. Chevy Chase marked for death. Lindsay Lohan wants to be a white witch. Kathie Lee wants off Today Show.
The Troubleshooters are called in by a Blue citizen, Che-V-CHA-6. He looks very familiar to everyone as the actor who made the hilarious movies Alpha Complex’s Vacation. That was three clones ago. This clone of Chevy hasn’t done much of anything, but he’s hoping things will turn around. He received a death threat sent from the Teela-O-Show production office. Chevy doesn’t know why anyone’s targeting him, but he can’t afford more clones.
The Troubleshooters arrive in time for a taping, where co-host Kath-B-LEE-5 downs far more happy pills than she should and breaks into fits of tears every few minutes, rolling around on the floor, yelling that she’s going to quit this time. The guest is LINDSAY-O-HAN-3, a popular model and scandal looking for a place to happen (she has four star treason rating), but she’s best friends with Teela-O and turns to her for support every time something negative happens, which is every two minutes. Lindsay recently joined the Old Reckoning secret society and watched Wizard of Oz. She’s coming on the show to announce she wants to be the White Witch, which involves throwing ruby slippers at everyone and telling them to click their heels three times. She also puts on a white dress, which of course is very treasonous.
The culprit to all of this is the Power Services guy who maintains the studio computers. He put a virus in the system so every time someone’s invited on the show, they’re sent a death threat.